Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
