plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
