I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You took a bar mat shot.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
