it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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