Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you traded sex for a burrito?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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