One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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