Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
