i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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