He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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