we have pet lesbian snakes
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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