i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
