I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
