I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
