I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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