i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
