im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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