my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
