I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
