dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
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She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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