fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
