I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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