This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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