Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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