turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
