God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
