Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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