girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
