We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
