If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
