were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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