come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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