Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
