I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
