My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
