just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
