If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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