Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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