Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
