I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
