I wish I could punch you in the face.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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