I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
