i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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