Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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