We won't sleep together?
we made out on top of his cat.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
