You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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