Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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