I think im going to throw up on grandma
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
