She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
