my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
