I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
