And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
