Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
