yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
