I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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