I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
