you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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