i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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