I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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