so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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