Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
